For part of my life it was not easy being the son of someone bigger than life. Our father, brother, uncle, grandfather, great grandfather, friend, and co-worker was one of the most naturally gifted human beings any of us will ever get an opportunity to meet. He was an artisan, an athlete, an artist, a story teller, and a man about town. I have no doubt that under different circumstances, if he did not have a son come along at age 16 and had he decided not to marry my mom and join the Navy, he would have been able to play professional baseball. I can remember when he came over to our house in South Bend and we were playing some baseball with Jacob in the back yard. Jacob hit the ball to my dad’s right and dad made this incredible move to catch the ball that involved something like a near cartwheel, caught the ball and ended up on his feet. We all looked on in awe.
Most of us have some artefact of his incredible talent that we will be able to hold onto to remind us of him on a daily basis. By his works – he is part of all of us and he consciously knew this. We have paths of faith and works and he clearly was comfortable with the latter.
Extremely charismatic, there were few situations he couldn’t talk himself into or out of. It seemed as though there was nothing he could not create, except possibly a little peace for himself. He was a restless soul full of ambition and drive. And as with many blessed with great talents and abilities he also carried with him flaws and seeds of his own undoing – but let us not dwell on these now. Instead, let’s focus on his incredible life and take time now to celebrate this unique individual who impacted us so greatly and who an extended family and a wonderful community will miss dearly.
Those that cut a broad swath through life – leave a large void in their wake.
Toughness
My dad was tough, much tougher than me. I remember one night –I was staying at Brian’s house on Delaware St. while I was working in Chicago and finishing graduate school after we had moved to the UP. Late one night we got a telephone call, “come get your dad he is at the V and wants to fight someone.” Brian and I looked at each other. Now keep in mind, I wouldn’t recommend any of you tangle with either Brian or me and that isn’t the point of the story. But, we both looked at each other and said, how are we going to get him out of the V and get him home while remaining somewhat unscathed and not being maimed?
Even during the first couple of years after diagnosis from ALS he still could outwork most people I know as he continued his renovation and ceramic tile work.
For those of you who weren’t there toward the end – this incredibly punishing disease, ALS, made every breath a near impossibility. Yet, as with all challenges he previously faced he fought and persevered. ALS is a mysterious disease. There is no known cause. A very small percentage is hereditary. However, there are correlations between the disease and certain groups, those serving in the military and endurance athletes. It is not unreasonable to speculate, and dad and I discussed this more than one time, that the shear will in pushing one’s self physically beyond normal human limits may indeed create within the body its own destructive mechanism leading to ALS. And no one pushed themselves harder than my dad. He was an iron man – just like Lou Gehrig – who serves as the namesake for this disease.
My dad’s passing was probably postponed by his shear will and strength. So we had time to prepare, to say what needed to be said.
Finally, when he could no longer sustain the battle, hospice was brought in, and never the underachiever he completed the entire hospice program completely in less than 24 hours.
Family and Friends
My father, through thick and thin remained committed and devoted to his family. It was many years before I realized that he very purposely moved very close to Tammi and I when we were in high school as our maternal grandfather Willard’s health failed. He became a very important and regular part of our lives.
I only saw my dad cry one time and that was when he and I talked about having Tammi and I move back to our maternal grandparents when I was nine years old and Tammi was eight.
The devotion my dad and his siblings had to each other is unparalleled and has served as a wonderful example for the next generations.
I would ask you that we still here and those of us in the next generations commit to maintaining this active connection. And by family I just don’t mean those connected by blood – many of you here are our family connected by something as important and that is life.
As for the next generation of course, to borrow Al Haig’s line from nearly thirty years ago, with my dad’s passing I am in charge here now, whenever my cousin Linda and my sister Tammi are not around or they let me be.
Message
We are all born with a great friend and that friend’s name is death.
Death tells us not to waste time because time is fleeting. Death is constantly telling us not to take anything for granted as tomorrow is not guaranteed. Death tells us to be kind. Death tells us that in due time all things will be known, and few important (to borrow a phrase from Gore Vidal). Death reminds us that we should be present in the moment and make sure those around us that we care about and love know how we feel about them while there is still time.
So embrace this yin to the yang of life and walk hand in hand with death – for by doing so – you will be able to live beyond all imagination fully in the moment.
We all need to ask ourselves, who do you need to talk to? What do you need to set right? What have you been putting off that you should do today?
Conclusion
So now back to my opening statement. Everyone that knows our immediate family saw that at some point it not only became easier to be my father’s namesake, it became a wonderful gift. So what was it that made this unenviable second act much easier to bear? At some point in my 20s I realized that I could not be him. For instance, I could only take one night in the Hobart jail. For those of you that don’t know – they don’t let you go when you think you are ready to leave.
So I began to work very hard to set off on my own path, largely intellectual, where I could carve out my own place in life. My dad not only supported this he took great pride as I found my own identity separate from his. My partner and best friend and wife Sonia can tell you that it was not easy for me to shed some of the demons and habits I shared with my dad. But my dad’s love for me and Tammi allowed him to accept each of us as we are. His expectations remained high but he also tempered these with love and understanding.
My firmest belief is that my dad was always at his best when he was being our father.
And now the tough part...
Rest well our beloved star shone brightly withering all too soon.
You have more than earned your peace and eternal rest.
We will keep you alive in our souls recounting your stories, antics, and accomplishments – sharing them with generations yet to come.
I just want you to know that you were always at your best when it came to being a father to your children and a brother to your siblings and a friend to your friends.
And you will be mightily missed by us all.
I love you dad.
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